The death of a dream…
What should I do with all the hopes I had?
What should I do with the things I prepared for my dream to come true?
What should I do with all my doubts about whether I heard God or not?
Looking back, I’m sure some of my responses came from a wounded heart that put up a wall of protection. I didn’t even want to think about adoption because it hurt too much. I didn’t want to go there again because I couldn’t trust whether I was hearing from God or running after my own desire.
But it is in that wounding of the heart, that sifting as wheat, that the prayer Jesus prayed for us brings about the good He intends, the good that will strengthen our faith, the good that will give us a story to comfort and encourage others.
God has His own “loving ways” and “perfect timing” that always amaze and overwhelm me!
Several weeks after the “death of my dream” I went to my weekly Bible study. We had a quest speaker that day who I heard before and was looking forward to what she had to share. About fifteen women were gathered in my friend’s living room in anticipation of the “word” God had for us. Into the circle of women the speaker walked with a pillow stuffed under her shirt saying,
“It’s time to give birth to your dreams!”
Hearing those words brought instant tears to my eyes and harsh words in my mind to God.
“My dream didn’t work out, my dream died, why are You taunting me like this?”
I didn’t realize how angry I was at God until that moment. I had just “lost” a dream! I put it to death on the cross! I couldn’t handle hearing those words.
My pain was too fresh.
My heart was too wounded.
My walls of protection were high around my heart.
The woman went on to say that God plants dreams and desires within us. She said that God works deep inside; knitting together the desire that He has in store for us. As with a pregnant woman, we see the evidence that something is growing, something is developing, and so with a spiritual dream, we are to make room, to prepare to give birth.
I cried and silently argued with God through most of her talk. I was angry and upset, yet, there was this still, small voice that reminded me that I did say if this dream was of God, He had to resurrect it, perhaps this was the beginning of resurrection.
When the woman was finished sharing she said she was available if anyone needed prayer. Well, there was no question I needed prayer and though she didn’t know everything going on inside, she came and prayed a comforting prayer over me. It was a good prayer, but when she went on to the other women I pleaded with God that she would come back. I needed to hear something specific from God. But, those protective walls were still up, and I was still in pain, so I pleaded with God, “Please, bring her back to me without me asking her.”
What seemed an eternity as she went around the room praying with other women, I was secretly waiting for her to ask me if I wanted more prayer…
Thank God, she came…
“God, You are always so loving and gentle, even when I am so undeserving!”
With her kneeling beside me I was so expectant, my heart aching to hear whatever God had to say to me.
As she began to pray she quoted “the” verse I had been praying concerning adoption. Out of all the verses in the Bible what are the chances she would pray this one over me?!
“And I will give them one heart and one purpose: to worship me forever, for their own good and for the good of all their descendants.” Jeremiah 32:39
As she prayed that verse the sun suddenly shone in through the skylight and flooded us with God’s glory!!
It was definitely a holy moment!
As Peter, I was reinstated that day!
My love for God was compromised with a love for a little girl. I was looking for and striving after the desire of my heart to fulfill and satisfy me.
When I heard the woman speak about God placing dreams and desires within us there was a battle in my heart. The dream He put within me was intended to be knit together by Him as I carried it within me. It was intended to be something I trusted Him to create, to weave together, according to His ways, and according to His timing. I was to be the safe carrier of the dream, thrilled with the evidence of His working, eagerly preparing for and anticipating the birth of the dream He would bring about.
But, I had been a lot like Peter. I “went fishing.” Peter loved to fish, it was what he knew how to do, it satisfied him and brought him fulfillment.
How often do we take things into our own hands because “we know how to do it”?
We desire something, we believe God wants us to have it, so we “go fishing,” we “knit it together.”
We can love the results of our desires more than we love Jesus.
That day in my friend’s living room God met me in my pain, and in my anger. He showed me how loving He is…in spite of my arguing with Him, in spite of my anger for what seemed to be taunting…He responded in love.
He so graciously shifted my focus off of myself, my disappointment, and put my eyes on Him.
By God’s amazing love and grace I was able to see that the dream of adoption deep within me was indeed given to me by Him, but I had allowed my heart to love the desire more than the Giver.
God opened my eyes that day!
That was a defining day concerning my dream of adoption!
It was as if Jesus asked me, “Wilma, do you love Me more than adopting a little girl?”
“Yes, Jesus, You know I love You!”
“Then trust Me with that dream, leave it in My loving hands, and I will give you the desire of your heart.”